


and she screamed for herself

by kingwellsjaha



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, I AM SORRY, It's more a Raven centric thing and not as shippy as it should be, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-10 12:54:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5586202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingwellsjaha/pseuds/kingwellsjaha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Impractical thoughts entered her mind. Thoughts of flying, thoughts of dying, thoughts of the past.<br/>She closed her eyes and breathed in a final time.</p><p>or it looks like there is a lot of pent up anger inside of me and raven.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and she screamed for herself

**Author's Note:**

  * For [growlery](https://archiveofourown.org/users/growlery/gifts).



> this is kind of a treat for growlery. i hope you can enjoy it.
> 
> it's from the fourth prompt, which is part of the lyric from an awesome song called "The Loneliness & The Scream" from Frightened Rabbit. I would recommend everyone to listen to this song while reading this small ficlet. The lyrics that were given to me:  
> can you hear the road from this place?  
> can you hear footsteps? voices?  
> can you see the blood on my sleeve?  
> i have fallen in the forest, did you hear me?  
> in the loneliness, oh, the loneliness  
> and the scream to prove to everyone that i exist  
> in the loneliness, oh, the loneliness  
> and the scream to bring the blood to the front of my face again

She laid on her back looking at the trees and the grey sky, while the snow was falling onto her body.  
There was peace in the way she laid there. You felt small when you lay on the grass with big trees above you and a whole sky upwards. But it was a good small. It wasn’t the small of the weight that was crushing her down day by day. It wasn’t the small that others inflicted onto her. The weight they hung onto her, till she was so small, so tiny that she was disappearing.

No, the trees where big, because that was how they were made and the sky seemed endless, because it almost was. They didn’t have to make her small to be that way. They simply were and she was small and it was okay. She was bigger than the grass and bigger than the leaves around her and it was okay. That was how the universe worked.

The sky had been her home once. They wanted to make her forget that.  
This is our home now, they said, but what they meant was, forget the scars we inflicted onto you, complain about the new ones you’ll receive.  
But she was born in the sky and she had believed that she would also die there and sometimes it was hard to know that she wouldn’t. That she would die on earth and her body would be one with the grass. She had wished for her body to float through space to stay home forever.

The snow had melted in the beginning on her skin. They had fed of her anger and pain, but by now she was getting cold and they started to stay, painting her face, jacket and hair.  
Her breath was almost calm now. Her arms still hurt from where she had bashed the grass.  
The snowflakes were small, so much smaller than her, but they would win in the end. It was almost admirable. In some ways she and the snowflakes were alike. They both came from the sky, while originally they once had come from the earth.

She just wasn’t cold, never had been.  
But oh she was getting cold now. She knew she was getting cold now and it was alright.  
Just another transformation from gold, to dynamite, to nothingness, to cold.  
It was okay, it was okay. It was about to get better.

There was a reason why the grounders called them sky people. Although _he_ had once said that they belonged here now, she always had felt drawn to the sky.  
In the sky she had tried to reach for the stars. The ground hadn’t been this kind.  
In between the snowflakes that made themselves comfortable on her face. She had forgotten why she was even here. Why was she here and not in the sky. Impractical thoughts entered her mind. Thoughts of flying, thoughts of dying, thoughts of the past.

She closed her eyes and breathed in a final time.

The hands that touched her were warm and rough. They were stronger than the snowflakes and rubbed them of her cheeks.  
A voice was calling out to her and it was hard to focus on it when your ears were cold.  
But she made out her name. The repetition of her name endlessly. Afraid, almost yelling. Somebody held her head. She felt the material of a jacket against her cheek.

“Raven”

When she realized what voice it was. She opened her eyes. Brown concerned eyes starred back instead of the grey sky. They were blocking the sky and yet Raven was too frozen to be angry with him. His hands pulled her closer. New words were said, but they didn’t reach her ears, they moved towards the sky.

“Your leg… Raven”. He moved his hand from her cheek to her leg.  
Even in the cold the touch hurt. She had lost her ability to scream a long time ago. She had lost it when she had given Clarke the knife, she had lost it when his face had sunken onto Clarke’s shoulder.  
She had lost it because there hadn’t be anytime. But she opened her mouth now, although nothing came out. Her hand got up and reached for the jacket pulling it closer.

“Shit. Hold on.” His eyes moved back to hers. “Can you hear me?”  
They were memorizing. A little bit like the night sky lit by fire. A little bit like the ground they were standing on.

“Raven”, he shook her and she had to nod, because she couldn’t answer.  
There was relief in his eyes and a faint smile. A small Raven had once learned to answer to that smile with a smile and another small Raven had learned to look down and run away and another small Raven had learned to answer a smile with a counter smile to establish dominance.

The Raven here on the ground just looked up.  
It was good enough. His hands moved to her shoulders and she was lifted up. Her face fell against his chest.  
She closed her eyes and tried to hear his faint heartbeat through the jacket. It was only barely audible, but there and alive.  
It was the fire that pumped through his veins that had kept him alive for so long. The ground had been good for him. Because he was fire and fire lived of air and trees.  
It melted snowflakes on her face.

Part of her wanted to rip the jacket away, wanted to crawl into his veins and stay there forever. She wanted to move closer.  
Her teachers would’ve scolded her for such a childish thought. But her teachers had been in the sky. They had taught her about the sky. They had never prepared her for this.  
And what else could she do? When you became nothingness, why not let yourself get consumed by fire. Fire couldn’t hurt nothingness and hadn’t she been fire once? Hadn’t she been dynamite?

The snowflakes rolled of her cheeks like tears. They were even warm like tears.  
Get it Raven, they are tears. It were her tears.  
The heart started to beat faster, faster than the heart on the other side of the jacket, faster than bearable.  
She shook her head. One time, two times.

Only a no in her head. A no in her arms.

She pushed his chest. One time, two times, three times.

When she started to kick with the good leg, he let go of her.  
She fell to the ground and it hurt so much, when her bad leg hit the ground. His hands were on her shoulders, but she shook her shoulders, trying to lift herself up.  


One time, two times, three times, four times and she was up, shaking.

Around them were only trees that were becoming white. The whole world turned cold now. Maybe it was nothing against her, maybe that was just the way it had always been.  
She had never been in space, she had been in a small cocoon and the cocoon had kept her warm. Why was she surprised that it got cold now, with nothing more to protect her than her skin?  
Maybe the sky was the one that mocked her now. _Silly girl_ it laughed, _you pride yourself to be from the sky, but you can’t even survive this_.

She looked at a grey wall.  
Her whole body was shaking and her heart was beating and the tears lit up her face. Her hands curled into fists and then she screamed. It was only an open mouth.

The first time, the second time, the third time, the fourth time then a scream.

Not high not low, just a scream raw from somewhere inside of her.  
After that she realized that one scream wasn’t enough. So she did it again, moving one step away.

One for her mother, for the love never given, for the broken promisses and bruised face.

One for Finn, for his dead body in front of her.

One for her leg, that hurt so much that it brought her back to the ground. She fell, but it didn’t stop her she was small and the sky was big, but she remembered that every explosion could be lethal even a small one.

One for the people that weight her down.

One just because she could.

One for _herself_.

When she opened her eyes.  
She had not realized that she had closed them it felt like she had come back to her senses.  
It was calm around them and the world was cold because it was the beginning of the winter. Her leg hurt like hell. She had fought with it and then given up.  
Breathing in she turned to him. He was standing there looking at her and there was no pity in his eyes. No sorry that she had to fight. Just a silent “I know ….” Long pause ”…. Me too”.  
He moved a step closer but didn’t touch her yet. She calmed her breath and held out her hand for him to grab her. Too weak to walk back to camp.  
Her voice was raspy and broken.  
“Bring us home, Bellamy”.

**Author's Note:**

> this was intended as my original fic for you but it was not shippy enough for my taste and i wanted to write some mindless fluff and managed to finish it on time. so this is just a small angsty treat. hope everyone enjoyed it.


End file.
